I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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