You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
