Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
