You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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