A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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