Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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