i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is my gift to your gina
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
