So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
