And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
