Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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