I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
