sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
