No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
