and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
