Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
