the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
