I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
