I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
