There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
