Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
