he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
