he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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