"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
