You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
