I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
