I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
