How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
