i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
