my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
