If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
