im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
