Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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