I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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