you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
