i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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