i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
