do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
