fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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