I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
