literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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