Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
