we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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