i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
