someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
