You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
