dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
