You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
