I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
