I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
someone owes me an orgasm
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
