Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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