omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
